Most of us go through similar life stages. I don’t mean childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age. I mean stuff like school, further study or training, career, dating, love, marriage, property buying, parenthood, grandparenthood, retirement.
So far I’ve done this: school, higher education, career, dating, love, singlehood, different career, dating, love, different career, singlehood. More or less.
I think I’ve just managed to create a career that I’ll be in until I stop working, but I don’t expect the singlehood-dating-love-singlehood cycle to come to any kind of life-long conclusion. I’m ok with that but it seems that many people are not ok with me being ok with that.
It gets tiring coming up against the disbelief of patronising people who assume that deep down I really want what they do. Maybe it’s because just about everyone else they know wants what they do: a job they don’t hate too much and that pays the bills, a (good) marriage, a house, some offspring. I know I’m simplifying but these seem to be the backbone of what most people want out of life.
Some of the things I want are: varied and fulfilling work, new experiences, connections with people, the freedom to work the way I want. I’m by no means anti-marriage or anti-children; they’re just not things I absolutely require from life. I love watching other people do them and being involved in their lives.
I only get attacks of caring about this when I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. Luckily I don’t do that very often. When you stop and think about it, it doesn’t seem like a useful approach: I’m not other people and they’re not me so what possible benefit could there be in comparing us?
I think most people would agree that we all have the right to live our own lives. Sometimes I forget that being understood by everybody you meet is not a basic human right.
So then I get over myself, stop whinging and get back to the adventure of pursuing my own happiness.
Image credit: ‘Two Canals’ by MorBCN under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike 2.0 Generic licence
Rosie
11 January 2011
Ah Sarah, I hear you. But I think what I find the hardest is not just dealing with expectations others have of us, but when they get inside your own head. It takes a conscious effort to stop and examine the ideals that become ingrained from outside influences.
I just turned 29 and started fretting, “Eeeek don’t own a house, no rock on my finger, no babies yet!” Wait wait wait. “I dont even want to own a house – boring! Yes I want babies and damn straight I could have them by now, but I want a very special dad for those babies and I want to wait until I know everything is right, and I’m not even sure I believe in marrige!” etc etc. But I stil have to sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to very now and then and remind myself to shoo away all this pressure that filters into my head.
And of course, surround myself with strong women, so we can give each other a shake and a pep talk, “What about those two degrees you have? The 20 countries you have visited? That fulfilling career you’ve worked so hard for?”
So thank you for being one of those women and reminding me that happiness is
an individual pursuit, and we’ll never find it if we don’t stay true to ourselves.
FroggyBeth
11 January 2011
Sarah, you’re SOOO not alone in feeling this way.
I was caught in the trap of thinking I wanted a “normal” life (career, marriage, house, furkids, real kids?) only to discover how unhappy I was. In a moment of clarity (and bravery!) I elected to seek a less ordinary life. The life to which I now realise I was always destined for and needed to embrace.
It’s hard not to compare yourself to others when you realise you’re sliding laterally off the bell curve of life. But remember that Mr and Mrs 50th Percentile is looking at you and thinking how much they wish they could be more like you.
xx